Written by: Kworq Team on Sat Apr 01

Millennials Really Don't Want That Much

Unpacking the millennial wishlist: From authenticity and influencer realities to workplace desires and tech dreams, a satirical dive into what millennials might (not) want.

illustration of cat falling, blue background

In the ad world, we find ourselves asking versions of the same question: What is it that millennials truly want? Millennials yearn for authenticity, but what’s so authentic about wanting to be authentic?

Tactics used to capture the millennial esprit, but failed us endlessly: Replace salutations in our email with captivating emoji sequences (the more avocado emojis, the better. Are we ever gonna get an #avotoast email or what? ha. ha. ha.)

Sprinkle the word ‘millennial’ throughout our feeds to rev up some #authentic engagement

Shower influencers with free merchandise only for them to turn around and ask for money because they have to “pay” rent too. Pfft!

Play it cool (but not ice cool, tepid cool because we’re not tryhards!) with our #hashtag #usage

Change our logo to reflect millennial pink hype (hey, we like, really love Glossier too)

Empty our savings to keep-up with weekly bagel breakfasts — complete with LaCroix — only to learn that 92% of millennials are over bread

Pair our click-bate posts with catchy headlines and yummy, snackable content (should we add a side of hummus? Maybe guac?)

When all else failed, as a last resort we hit the streets of our sassy and on-trend SoHo neighborhood to ask the hip millennials what they want. They were very enthusiastic to hear themselves speak.

MARTIN: I really want to see personalized advertising. You know that episode on Black Mirror where Bryce Dallas Howard tried to buy an apartment, and the billboard in front of the property had her face on it? Yeah, imagine that and Calvin Klein ads.

I love Snapchat—it’s so ephemeral. It reflects my lifestyle. And my bank account.

I have always known that I was meant to be an influencer. People don’t take me seriously, but the industry is growing and it is becoming a legitimate career path.

I’ve been into this new mindfulness exercise where I just concentrate on the spinning rainbow wheel on the computer when I’m stressed. I think it’s working.

I love campaigns that are narrated like a spoken word performance. They just get me.

I want to write my biography in emojis. I believe it’s the new hieroglyphics.

I think the next big thing are branded WiFi passwords.

I was thinking of getting a QR code tattoo and sell it as ad space.


ROBIN: I’m just looking for a job that’s not really that hard, has a fridge stocked full of beer, a ping pong table, and a bucket full of selfie sticks. I’ve heard about companies with benefits like pet sick leave (paid leave you can take when your pets fall ill) or bring your grandmother to work day. It would be cool to be in an environment like that. But i don’t believe in working too hard - life is all about being laid back and fun, after all.


A girl named K: It’s a bit strange…this whole ‘millennial’ craze we’re experiencing. I’m actually in the middle of launching a podcast focusing on the etymology of ‘millennial’. Our interests are so diverse and we’re in a unique position to take on the world, but we’re pigeonholed because of this oppressive millennial talk! They keep labeling us as just millennials, when really we are so much more than that. We’re Generation Y, Generation Me; we are the generation.

We need to stick together and use our voices for the greater good. Our parents didn’t even have social media to share all their inner thoughts with complete strangers on the web.  Personally, I have an opinion about everything — even if it’s not fully formed — which is why I love Twitter. I like to toss around my ideas and private thoughts with peers through tweets, which is very stimulating and great for my burgeoning career as a writer-Twitter personality. I stick to my ethics though, so I don’t promote my RTs as endorsements. LOL, jk. Follow me?


Kevin: With VR technology my social media account is both my house and my job

Why hasn’t anyone invented a video site that plays content at a specific time of day so everyone can see it at once? Or a machine that scans a piece of paper and sends it to someone at the same time? Or an iphone that’s permanently connected to the wall so it never runs out of charge or gets lost? I’m full of great ideas, I think adults are just too set in their ways.

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*This blog post is brought to you by April Fools’ Day.


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